1
00:00:00,075 --> 00:00:01,474
(man)
I feel all right
2
00:00:01,476 --> 00:00:04,187
Just like I should, should, should
3
00:00:04,218 --> 00:00:06,155
That's the watch I'm gonna buy Thad.
4
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:07,312
It's exactly what he wants.
5
00:00:07,314 --> 00:00:08,513
This feels like a guilt gift.
6
00:00:08,601 --> 00:00:10,058
You might as well get it engraved
7
00:00:10,083 --> 00:00:11,738
with a sketch of Bjornberg's penis.
8
00:00:11,895 --> 00:00:14,396
Thad never found out about Bjornberg,
9
00:00:14,421 --> 00:00:16,536
and there's certainly no
point in telling him now.
10
00:00:16,561 --> 00:00:18,320
I mean, why would I want
to hurt him like that?
11
00:00:18,345 --> 00:00:19,547
I don't know,
12
00:00:19,572 --> 00:00:22,029
that thing about how honesty in
a relationship creates intimacy?
13
00:00:22,054 --> 00:00:24,554
One woman's honesty is
another woman's over sharing.
14
00:00:24,579 --> 00:00:25,625
Fine.
15
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,378
I'm just saying expensive jewelry
16
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:28,898
doesn't excuse an affair.
17
00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:31,078
And in the end, after all
the tears and the fights,
18
00:00:31,103 --> 00:00:31,850
you know what you're left with?
19
00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:33,592
Bad credit and a piece of jewelry
20
00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:34,828
with almost no resale value
21
00:00:34,853 --> 00:00:36,209
that reminds you of someone you hate.
22
00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:37,405
[phone buzzes]
23
00:00:37,430 --> 00:00:38,553
(Lauren) Where are you skanks?
24
00:00:38,578 --> 00:00:39,944
We're on our way, you ho.
25
00:00:39,969 --> 00:00:41,499
Why do you talk to each other like that?
26
00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:42,857
[scoffs] Is that Liza?
27
00:00:42,882 --> 00:00:43,834
Uh, yeah.
28
00:00:43,859 --> 00:00:45,717
Okay, tell that hooker to stop talking
29
00:00:45,742 --> 00:00:46,951
and start walking.
30
00:00:46,977 --> 00:00:48,413
Okay.
31
00:00:48,438 --> 00:00:49,525
Slut-bag.
32
00:00:52,826 --> 00:00:54,709
(Lauren) [squeals] Finally. Sit.
33
00:00:54,734 --> 00:00:55,975
I ordered you bibimbap.
34
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,838
- Mm, yes.
- Oh, God, what's bibimbap?
35
00:00:57,863 --> 00:01:00,131
Oh, it's Korean. You're gonna love it.
36
00:01:00,157 --> 00:01:01,726
Yeah, it's the second best Korean thing
37
00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:02,891
I've ever had in my mouth.
38
00:01:02,916 --> 00:01:04,592
Hey, so I've been trying
to send you an invite,
39
00:01:04,617 --> 00:01:05,530
and it keeps bouncing back,
40
00:01:05,555 --> 00:01:06,737
so I Googled you, and nothing.
41
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,845
Liza, you're like a ghost on the Internet.
42
00:01:08,970 --> 00:01:10,470
Oh, yeah, um,
43
00:01:10,495 --> 00:01:12,361
I like to... I like to keep a low profile.
44
00:01:12,386 --> 00:01:13,602
Uh, a low profile?
45
00:01:13,627 --> 00:01:15,233
Yeah, never say that to a publicist.
46
00:01:15,258 --> 00:01:16,592
- No.
- What's the invite?
47
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,118
I'm having a Hot Mitzvah.
48
00:01:18,143 --> 00:01:19,779
- A what?
- Just watch.
49
00:01:22,589 --> 00:01:25,140
(Lauren) At my Bat Mitzvah,
I hated how I looked.
50
00:01:25,142 --> 00:01:27,425
That's why 13 years later,
51
00:01:27,427 --> 00:01:30,139
I am throwing a Hot Mitzvah.
52
00:01:30,164 --> 00:01:31,697
[laughs]
53
00:01:31,722 --> 00:01:34,421
(Lauren) You're invited,
so you must be hot.
54
00:01:34,586 --> 00:01:36,093
Is that a Star of David bikini top?
55
00:01:36,118 --> 00:01:37,153
Yes!
56
00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:38,359
I crocheted it out of two yarmulkes.
57
00:01:38,384 --> 00:01:39,139
Chic.
58
00:01:39,164 --> 00:01:40,577
Bring Josh and Craigslist Maggie.
59
00:01:40,602 --> 00:01:42,749
Tell that OWL I want her to come.
60
00:01:42,774 --> 00:01:43,639
Owl?
61
00:01:43,664 --> 00:01:45,280
Older wise lesbian.
62
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:46,764
Hoot hoosh.
63
00:01:47,635 --> 00:01:50,636
[woman vocalizing, upbeat music]
64
00:01:50,661 --> 00:01:54,100
65
00:01:54,125 --> 00:01:55,069
New Tricks.
66
00:01:55,094 --> 00:01:57,249
As you can see, we're ready.
We've got the stand-ups,
67
00:01:57,274 --> 00:01:59,000
the wall hangers, the Amazon Banner,
68
00:01:59,025 --> 00:02:00,421
the Kindle banner, the NOOK banner.
69
00:02:00,446 --> 00:02:01,209
Liza?
70
00:02:01,234 --> 00:02:04,339
Social media is hyped from
Facebook to Book Riot...
71
00:02:04,364 --> 00:02:05,496
Goodreads, too.
72
00:02:05,521 --> 00:02:08,319
So my department is ready to go.
73
00:02:08,344 --> 00:02:11,179
All we need now is the book.
74
00:02:11,204 --> 00:02:11,999
Kelsey.
75
00:02:12,024 --> 00:02:14,466
Well, the good news is
the draft is finally in.
76
00:02:14,490 --> 00:02:16,573
The bad news is it's a mess.
77
00:02:16,753 --> 00:02:20,084
She uses the word "man root"
12 times in one chapter.
78
00:02:20,109 --> 00:02:21,992
So I'm out to all the top book doctors,
79
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:24,101
and I'm just trying to
figure out who's the best fit.
80
00:02:24,126 --> 00:02:25,625
Well, I suggest you pick one soon,
81
00:02:25,650 --> 00:02:26,772
or we'll have to push the pub date.
82
00:02:26,797 --> 00:02:29,231
No, that won't happen.
83
00:02:29,256 --> 00:02:30,607
Good.
84
00:02:30,633 --> 00:02:32,833
Then I think we're done.
85
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,376
Hey, I'm doing a coffee
run. You need anything?
86
00:02:41,401 --> 00:02:44,780
Yeah, a book doctor for Megan Vernoff.
87
00:02:44,805 --> 00:02:46,929
Half of my regulars are busy competing
88
00:02:46,954 --> 00:02:48,317
for the Kardashian rewrite.
89
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:50,015
Where do you even find
a book doctor, anyway?
90
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,037
Most of them are stay-at-home
moms with Ivy League degrees.
91
00:02:53,232 --> 00:02:55,616
I mean, some of them had
really promising careers.
92
00:02:55,641 --> 00:02:57,274
They just gave up to have kids,
93
00:02:57,299 --> 00:02:59,663
and now they're so far off
track, they do anything.
94
00:02:59,688 --> 00:03:01,124
They don't even care about the credit.
95
00:03:01,149 --> 00:03:03,978
Another reason why we
can never stop working.
96
00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:06,466
You know, I've done some creative writing.
97
00:03:06,491 --> 00:03:09,288
And I edited the
Dartmouth Literary Journal.
98
00:03:09,529 --> 00:03:11,952
Maybe I could give the Vernoff book a try.
99
00:03:11,977 --> 00:03:12,764
Seriously?
100
00:03:12,789 --> 00:03:15,623
You want to write about the
sex life of a woman in her 40s?
101
00:03:15,648 --> 00:03:17,782
I'm sure I can suppress my gag reflex
102
00:03:17,807 --> 00:03:19,253
if I'm getting paid enough.
103
00:03:19,649 --> 00:03:20,898
That came out wrong.
104
00:03:20,923 --> 00:03:22,289
But I could use the money.
105
00:03:22,314 --> 00:03:24,129
Well, that's a good reason.
106
00:03:24,154 --> 00:03:26,187
See what you can do with chapter one.
107
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:36,910
How did I miss the memo on book doctors?
108
00:03:36,935 --> 00:03:38,767
I could have been doing this for years.
109
00:03:38,975 --> 00:03:40,952
Well, there was, like, an entire decade
110
00:03:40,977 --> 00:03:42,677
where you were in a PTA fugue.
111
00:03:42,702 --> 00:03:44,509
[cell phone chimes]
112
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,404
_
113
00:03:45,429 --> 00:03:46,428
(Maggie) Josh?
114
00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:47,905
Yeah, but I'm not getting distracted.
115
00:03:47,930 --> 00:03:49,938
This is a big opportunity for me.
116
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:50,879
_
117
00:03:50,904 --> 00:03:51,884
Oh, really? What's the book?
118
00:03:51,909 --> 00:03:53,783
It's called New Tricks.
119
00:03:53,977 --> 00:03:56,702
And it's about a woman's
sexual reawakening in her 40s.
120
00:03:56,727 --> 00:03:59,249
So you're a 40-year-old
pretending to be a 26-year-old
121
00:03:59,274 --> 00:04:01,022
who's pretending to write in
the voice of a 40-year-old?
122
00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:02,776
Stop it. My head's exploding.
123
00:04:03,506 --> 00:04:05,552
(woman)
You don't get me
124
00:04:05,577 --> 00:04:07,911
You don't understand my way
125
00:04:07,936 --> 00:04:10,470
It's too foreign
126
00:04:10,495 --> 00:04:12,617
I don't mind
127
00:04:12,848 --> 00:04:15,265
Same as any other day
128
00:04:15,674 --> 00:04:17,609
Hey
129
00:04:17,881 --> 00:04:19,401
Hey
130
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:25,688
131
00:04:25,713 --> 00:04:27,832
You don't see me
132
00:04:27,857 --> 00:04:30,712
No, you look right through my face
133
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,922
And when we're talkin'
134
00:04:32,947 --> 00:04:35,289
I don't mind
135
00:04:35,314 --> 00:04:38,112
'Cause I'm in another place
136
00:04:38,186 --> 00:04:39,719
Hey
137
00:04:39,744 --> 00:04:43,264
What you gonna do
when you get lonely?
138
00:04:43,778 --> 00:04:48,161
What you gonna make in outer space?
139
00:04:48,946 --> 00:04:52,761
When the air's not clear
to see the only thing
140
00:04:52,786 --> 00:04:55,286
The insight gravity can bring
141
00:04:55,311 --> 00:04:58,048
Is knowing what
you needed all along
142
00:04:58,073 --> 00:04:59,808
Was a little love
143
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,617
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
144
00:05:01,642 --> 00:05:03,475
You're getting your own coffee?
145
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:05,216
I like to keep my life skills sharp.
146
00:05:05,241 --> 00:05:08,600
You know, in case there's another Sandy.
147
00:05:09,455 --> 00:05:11,023
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
148
00:05:11,047 --> 00:05:13,114
Hey, I sent you that chapter.
149
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:14,171
I know. I read it.
150
00:05:14,702 --> 00:05:16,527
And?
151
00:05:16,552 --> 00:05:18,571
You nailed it.
152
00:05:19,602 --> 00:05:20,601
Really?
153
00:05:20,626 --> 00:05:21,506
Yes.
154
00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:24,022
That whole passage where she's
trying to hide her stretch marks
155
00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:25,100
from her boyfriend,
156
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:26,311
you must have done your research.
157
00:05:26,336 --> 00:05:28,998
Yeah, it's just a writerly imagination.
158
00:05:29,023 --> 00:05:32,054
And is it true that older
women really pee a little
159
00:05:32,079 --> 00:05:33,265
every time they sneeze?
160
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:34,767
Once you've shot a baby out...
161
00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:36,397
at least, that's what I hear.
162
00:05:36,422 --> 00:05:37,537
[scoffs]
163
00:05:37,562 --> 00:05:38,981
Well, I've got to tell you, Liza,
164
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,824
I've hired a lot of book doctors,
165
00:05:40,850 --> 00:05:42,350
you're good at it.
166
00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:43,529
You really liked it?
167
00:05:43,554 --> 00:05:44,617
Yes.
168
00:05:44,642 --> 00:05:46,480
And that's why I gave it to Charles.
169
00:05:46,505 --> 00:05:47,722
Seriously?
170
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:48,976
Yes.
171
00:05:49,001 --> 00:05:50,465
And you are seriously welcome.
172
00:05:53,588 --> 00:05:55,193
(Charles) Liza.
173
00:05:55,410 --> 00:05:56,905
Oh, hi.
174
00:05:57,014 --> 00:05:59,932
I just read your chapter.
175
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,796
That's good.
176
00:06:01,821 --> 00:06:04,405
Your HR file says you're 26,
177
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:06,964
but you write like a 40-year-old.
178
00:06:07,383 --> 00:06:08,946
There's something you want to tell me?
179
00:06:09,388 --> 00:06:10,955
Uh...
180
00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:12,381
No.
181
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,046
Come see me in my office.
182
00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:26,577
Liza, all this time, I thought you were
183
00:06:26,602 --> 00:06:28,181
just another struggling assistant.
184
00:06:28,459 --> 00:06:32,117
But you've had a secret
all along, haven't you?
185
00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:36,053
Well, um...
186
00:06:36,078 --> 00:06:38,733
And now I think I know your secret.
187
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,941
You're a writer.
188
00:06:43,995 --> 00:06:46,210
Yeah. I'm a writer.
189
00:06:46,235 --> 00:06:47,983
Just... I'm a writer.
190
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,875
Guilty. Throw the book at me.
191
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,756
Terrible pun. I apologize.
192
00:06:51,782 --> 00:06:53,702
Your chapter sample was so impressive.
193
00:06:53,727 --> 00:06:56,167
Obviously, you're good enough
to rewrite Megan Vernoff.
194
00:06:56,192 --> 00:06:57,241
Really?
195
00:06:57,712 --> 00:06:58,757
Thank you.
196
00:06:58,782 --> 00:07:00,849
But book doctoring isn't
really about writing.
197
00:07:00,874 --> 00:07:01,569
It isn't?
198
00:07:01,594 --> 00:07:04,033
No, it's more about egos
199
00:07:04,287 --> 00:07:08,923
and that elusive thing
that they call "chemistry."
200
00:07:09,192 --> 00:07:10,009
Oh.
201
00:07:10,034 --> 00:07:12,721
Which I think you will excel at.
202
00:07:12,747 --> 00:07:13,913
Oh, good.
203
00:07:13,938 --> 00:07:15,577
You are an easy person to meet,
204
00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:16,988
to work with,
205
00:07:17,013 --> 00:07:18,813
to, um...
206
00:07:19,442 --> 00:07:21,195
be with.
207
00:07:22,073 --> 00:07:23,989
At least, I think so.
208
00:07:24,475 --> 00:07:25,613
Thank you.
209
00:07:25,638 --> 00:07:28,022
I will set up a meeting for you and Megan.
210
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,329
If the two of you click,
211
00:07:29,354 --> 00:07:30,636
the rewrite's yours.
212
00:07:35,818 --> 00:07:37,907
What were you doing in Charles' office?
213
00:07:38,140 --> 00:07:39,640
Uh.
214
00:07:39,665 --> 00:07:41,331
Honestly,
215
00:07:41,747 --> 00:07:43,163
I was throwing my hat in the ring
216
00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:45,112
for that Megan Vernoff book doctoring gig
217
00:07:45,223 --> 00:07:47,106
as a side thing.
218
00:07:50,181 --> 00:07:52,296
I was very ambitious at your age too.
219
00:07:52,321 --> 00:07:53,903
But a word to the wise.
220
00:07:53,928 --> 00:07:56,023
Climbing too quickly is dangerous.
221
00:07:56,049 --> 00:07:58,216
You might find you don't
have the right equipment
222
00:07:58,241 --> 00:07:59,607
at altitude,
223
00:07:59,632 --> 00:08:02,435
and your friends won't
be there to help you.
224
00:08:14,059 --> 00:08:17,139
(Josh) Here's to your first
professional writing assignment.
225
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,281
I've got to admit, I'm pretty excited.
226
00:08:19,893 --> 00:08:21,300
So what's it about?
227
00:08:21,788 --> 00:08:23,454
It's about this woman
228
00:08:23,479 --> 00:08:26,395
who's been sexually shut down
229
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,336
'cause she's been in a dead marriage.
230
00:08:28,401 --> 00:08:31,726
And she has this kind of awakening.
231
00:08:31,751 --> 00:08:33,167
What awakens her?
232
00:08:33,192 --> 00:08:35,519
She has an affair with
her son's karate teacher.
233
00:08:35,543 --> 00:08:36,547
[gasps]
234
00:08:36,572 --> 00:08:37,821
[laughs]
235
00:08:37,846 --> 00:08:40,794
And how exactly does he awaken her?
236
00:08:40,819 --> 00:08:43,650
- You want me to tell you?
- Yeah.
237
00:08:43,675 --> 00:08:45,362
Okay.
238
00:08:49,198 --> 00:08:50,867
When he first kisses her,
239
00:08:50,892 --> 00:08:54,363
he kisses her very, very softly.
240
00:08:58,087 --> 00:09:00,871
Not like it's a bore,
241
00:09:00,913 --> 00:09:02,762
more like she's a dessert,
242
00:09:02,787 --> 00:09:05,871
and he wants to savor
every mouthful of her.
243
00:09:05,896 --> 00:09:07,229
Then what happens?
244
00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:12,093
Then he lays her down on his bed
245
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,210
and tells her not to move.
246
00:09:14,737 --> 00:09:17,830
She has to stay absolutely still
247
00:09:17,855 --> 00:09:21,057
while he kisses every
centimeter of her body
248
00:09:21,082 --> 00:09:26,052
from the top of her head
to the tips of her toes.
249
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,167
Do they ever take a bath?
250
00:09:30,192 --> 00:09:31,397
They could.
251
00:09:31,421 --> 00:09:33,554
I could write that passage.
252
00:09:33,579 --> 00:09:34,780
What'd happen?
253
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:36,216
Mm.
254
00:09:36,241 --> 00:09:38,708
Maybe she would look at his body
255
00:09:38,733 --> 00:09:40,134
in the glistening water,
256
00:09:40,159 --> 00:09:44,016
and the water would be warm and slippery.
257
00:09:44,408 --> 00:09:48,728
And then maybe she would take his...
258
00:09:48,753 --> 00:09:49,827
[door clicks open]
259
00:09:49,852 --> 00:09:50,900
(man) Sorry, guys.
260
00:09:50,925 --> 00:09:53,046
I think I left my... yeah,
here's my phone right here.
261
00:09:53,071 --> 00:09:54,816
Uh, hi, Liza.
262
00:09:54,841 --> 00:09:57,309
Yeah, I found it. I didn't see anything.
263
00:09:58,185 --> 00:09:59,318
I hate him.
264
00:09:59,343 --> 00:10:00,366
[laughs]
265
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,191
(woman)
Together, we
can change the world
266
00:10:02,216 --> 00:10:03,389
(woman)
Change the world
267
00:10:03,414 --> 00:10:04,772
Together, we can change the world
268
00:10:04,797 --> 00:10:07,256
Simon, you're not riding
your bike alone to Queens.
269
00:10:07,282 --> 00:10:08,389
Do you hear me?
270
00:10:08,779 --> 00:10:10,178
Why?
271
00:10:10,203 --> 00:10:13,622
Because you are 11 and white
enough to be thrown into a van.
272
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,018
This is end of story.
273
00:10:15,043 --> 00:10:16,370
I am hanging up.
274
00:10:16,395 --> 00:10:17,678
I'm hanging up.
275
00:10:17,703 --> 00:10:19,323
I'm Han...
276
00:10:20,084 --> 00:10:21,275
Little shit.
277
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,327
Are you Liza?
278
00:10:22,352 --> 00:10:24,742
Yes, Megan, hi. It's so nice to meet you.
279
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:26,460
What'd you hate about my book?
280
00:10:26,485 --> 00:10:29,894
Oh, no. I didn't hate anything.
281
00:10:29,919 --> 00:10:32,038
I just think there could
be more of everything.
282
00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:33,563
Like what? More what?
283
00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:36,397
Um, okay, for example,
284
00:10:36,422 --> 00:10:39,340
when Mindy first has sex with Joey,
285
00:10:39,365 --> 00:10:43,452
"he bangs her hard in the
dark closet behind the dojo."
286
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,861
Mm-hmm, right.
287
00:10:44,886 --> 00:10:47,165
Maybe that could be a little more romantic.
288
00:10:47,190 --> 00:10:49,157
Like, how?
289
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,333
Maybe they could actually see each other.
290
00:10:51,358 --> 00:10:52,628
Right.
291
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:53,850
Once you've had three kids,
292
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:55,890
your stomach's like a deflated basketball.
293
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,165
So mm-mm.
294
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,522
[scoffs]
295
00:10:58,547 --> 00:11:00,580
Everything on this menu is kale.
296
00:11:00,676 --> 00:11:03,761
Maybe Joey doesn't mind Mindy's flaws.
297
00:11:03,786 --> 00:11:05,170
Maybe they're impressive,
298
00:11:05,195 --> 00:11:06,978
like battle scars.
299
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:09,226
Are you serious?
300
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,771
How old are you?
301
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,363
26, 27?
302
00:11:12,536 --> 00:11:13,706
Around there.
303
00:11:13,731 --> 00:11:15,674
Well, most of my readers are over 40,
304
00:11:15,699 --> 00:11:18,449
and, believe me, the whole game changes.
305
00:11:18,474 --> 00:11:19,594
You have no idea
306
00:11:19,619 --> 00:11:21,252
what it's like after you have kids.
307
00:11:21,575 --> 00:11:22,987
I can imagine.
308
00:11:23,012 --> 00:11:24,251
Oh, yeah?
309
00:11:24,339 --> 00:11:26,331
What can you imagine?
310
00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:29,978
I imagine that giving birth
doesn't feel like a miracle.
311
00:11:30,003 --> 00:11:32,970
It feels more like... like
you've been in a car accident.
312
00:11:32,995 --> 00:11:34,770
Your whole body hurts for weeks.
313
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,058
And then you start nursing,
314
00:11:36,084 --> 00:11:38,275
and you feel like a
dairy production animal,
315
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:39,379
especially if you pump.
316
00:11:39,404 --> 00:11:40,667
And you're so tired,
317
00:11:40,692 --> 00:11:42,715
and you get these little white
bumps on the back of your arms,
318
00:11:42,740 --> 00:11:44,290
and every shirt you own is stained,
319
00:11:44,315 --> 00:11:45,483
and your husband looks at you like,
320
00:11:45,508 --> 00:11:46,663
"Oh, my God, what happened?"
321
00:11:46,688 --> 00:11:48,561
And the last thing you can
think about is having sex.
322
00:11:48,586 --> 00:11:50,086
It's like you're never going to find
323
00:11:50,111 --> 00:11:51,802
that part of yourself again.
324
00:11:54,787 --> 00:11:57,320
Okay, keep going.
325
00:11:58,104 --> 00:11:59,570
Okay.
326
00:11:59,602 --> 00:12:01,102
Pinot Grigio.
327
00:12:09,301 --> 00:12:14,087
(man)
She got it now
328
00:12:14,112 --> 00:12:15,912
She got it now, now
329
00:12:15,937 --> 00:12:17,770
She got it now
330
00:12:17,795 --> 00:12:18,827
She hated you.
331
00:12:18,980 --> 00:12:20,241
What?
332
00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:22,845
Yeah, it's that chemistry thing,
so don't take it personally.
333
00:12:22,870 --> 00:12:24,389
I really thought we connected.
334
00:12:24,414 --> 00:12:25,343
Maybe you did.
335
00:12:25,368 --> 00:12:27,476
But she didn't feel like
you could realistically
336
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,763
get into the head of a woman in her 40s.
337
00:12:29,904 --> 00:12:31,070
What are you gonna do?
338
00:12:31,095 --> 00:12:33,405
You're... you're just too young.
339
00:12:36,669 --> 00:12:38,636
[sighs]
340
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:41,179
(Diana) It was so nice to meet you, Hayley.
341
00:12:41,204 --> 00:12:43,851
(Hayley) Diana, thank
you so much for your time.
342
00:12:43,876 --> 00:12:45,427
I will hold on to your resume.
343
00:12:51,018 --> 00:12:53,019
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
344
00:12:53,044 --> 00:12:54,707
She just graduated from Harvard.
345
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,827
There are so many of you out there.
346
00:13:03,406 --> 00:13:06,412
The thing that we love most about our Laura
347
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:07,653
is that she never gives up.
348
00:13:07,678 --> 00:13:09,093
- No, no, never.
- Never.
349
00:13:09,118 --> 00:13:10,874
She is the master of the encore.
350
00:13:10,899 --> 00:13:11,841
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
351
00:13:11,865 --> 00:13:13,392
Her second try at the SATs...
352
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,139
Second time she went to college.
353
00:13:15,164 --> 00:13:16,307
Her second nose job.
354
00:13:16,332 --> 00:13:17,225
[laughs]
355
00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:19,202
Well, no, as plain as the nose on her face.
356
00:13:19,227 --> 00:13:20,296
What we're saying...
357
00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:21,866
So I don't see a watch on Thad.
358
00:13:21,891 --> 00:13:23,756
I know. I thought about what you said.
359
00:13:23,781 --> 00:13:26,923
And, um, you're right.
It's a dead giveaway.
360
00:13:26,948 --> 00:13:28,667
We'd now like to bring to Bima
361
00:13:28,692 --> 00:13:30,651
the star in all of our lives,
362
00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:35,419
our daughter, the beautiful
Lauren Tovah Heller.
363
00:13:35,445 --> 00:13:38,396
[cheers and applause]
364
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,278
(man) We're so proud of you.
365
00:13:42,303 --> 00:13:44,233
Who's ready to worship?
366
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:47,253
Uh, my Torah portion today tells the story
367
00:13:47,278 --> 00:13:50,015
of Jacob, son of Isaac and Rebecca.
368
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,757
Jacob lied to his father,
369
00:13:52,782 --> 00:13:54,315
pretending to be his brother
370
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:57,018
in order to unfairly win
their father's blessing.
371
00:13:57,042 --> 00:13:58,658
Wait, that's in the Torah?
372
00:13:58,683 --> 00:14:01,617
I could have sworn that's an
episode of "Game of Thrones".
373
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:03,081
Today,
374
00:14:03,272 --> 00:14:06,490
I am the older, serving my younger self,
375
00:14:06,515 --> 00:14:08,426
bearing my honest feelings with all of you.
376
00:14:08,451 --> 00:14:10,868
Because being honest
with the people we love
377
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,617
is what today is really all about.
378
00:14:13,063 --> 00:14:15,230
Yes, at my first Bat Mitzvah,
379
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:17,913
I didn't have the nerve to
kiss the person that I wanted.
380
00:14:17,938 --> 00:14:21,097
But tonight, I'm hot, and
I'm kissing who I want.
381
00:14:21,123 --> 00:14:22,250
Shabbat shalom!
382
00:14:22,275 --> 00:14:23,858
- Shabbat shalom.
- Shabbat shalom.
383
00:14:23,883 --> 00:14:25,482
(man) Yo, yo, yo. What's up?
384
00:14:25,507 --> 00:14:29,529
I'm K-Run AKA "Your mama's sperm bank."
385
00:14:29,554 --> 00:14:33,337
And I'm your emcee/panty-dropper
for the night.
386
00:14:33,362 --> 00:14:34,622
Uh, yeah.
387
00:14:34,648 --> 00:14:36,229
I'm adoring Lauren Heller
388
00:14:36,254 --> 00:14:37,314
She's hella hot
389
00:14:37,339 --> 00:14:39,298
But at 13, she was most def not
390
00:14:39,323 --> 00:14:42,041
Skinny with pimples,
getting dissed by the cutie
391
00:14:42,066 --> 00:14:44,426
Now look who's got a
good job and a small booty
392
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,722
Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh
393
00:14:46,748 --> 00:14:47,997
Uh
394
00:14:48,022 --> 00:14:51,106
395
00:14:51,131 --> 00:14:52,598
Uh-huh, uh-huh
396
00:14:52,623 --> 00:14:55,595
Come on, let's see
it, Ken and Barbie
397
00:14:57,393 --> 00:14:58,946
Not gonna happen, bro.
398
00:14:58,971 --> 00:15:01,002
Oh, something's gonna happen, huh?
399
00:15:01,027 --> 00:15:03,618
Come on. A little robot, huh?
400
00:15:03,643 --> 00:15:05,002
Come on, girl.
401
00:15:05,027 --> 00:15:08,261
Huh, what? Come on. Show me some love.
402
00:15:08,286 --> 00:15:10,390
(Lauren) Okay, you two.
Come with me, you two.
403
00:15:10,416 --> 00:15:12,712
- Now what?
- It's going to be fine.
404
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:16,201
Liza, Josh, hi. Your presence is required.
405
00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:18,384
Come. Come this way.
406
00:15:18,647 --> 00:15:20,308
- Maggie.
- Hi.
407
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:21,264
- Hi.
- Hey.
408
00:15:21,289 --> 00:15:22,785
- Come with me.
- Okay.
409
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:27,474
Please arrange yourselves.
410
00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:33,647
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
411
00:15:33,672 --> 00:15:35,055
I wanted to make a special toast.
412
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,522
Thank you for coming tonight.
413
00:15:36,548 --> 00:15:38,264
I know that I can be kind
of out there sometimes,
414
00:15:38,289 --> 00:15:40,755
but all of you guys
accept me and support me,
415
00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:42,898
and that just... it means everything.
416
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,499
To my friends.
417
00:15:44,524 --> 00:15:46,441
L'chaim, bitches!
418
00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:49,683
[all cheer]
419
00:15:49,708 --> 00:15:51,824
(woman) [auto-tuned]
So high
420
00:15:51,849 --> 00:15:56,897
I'm... I'm... I'm so high
421
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,847
Oh, my God. This is horrible.
422
00:15:58,872 --> 00:16:00,447
What is that?
423
00:16:00,472 --> 00:16:02,080
That's my special Hot Mitzvah shooter,
424
00:16:02,105 --> 00:16:03,350
Manischewitz and Molly.
425
00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:04,139
What?
426
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:05,366
You are crazy.
427
00:16:05,391 --> 00:16:08,443
Oh, we are so not golfing
with your parents tomorrow.
428
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,378
What are they talking about? What's Molly?
429
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,546
MDMA. Pure Ecstasy.
430
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:13,659
What?
431
00:16:14,405 --> 00:16:17,882
Best Hot Mitzvah ever!
432
00:16:17,907 --> 00:16:19,824
Whoo!
433
00:16:22,030 --> 00:16:24,197
(man)
She like it, she know that
434
00:16:24,199 --> 00:16:25,615
She like it
435
00:16:25,617 --> 00:16:27,534
How do you know if you're rolling?
436
00:16:27,536 --> 00:16:28,785
How are you feeling?
437
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:32,141
Like every hair on my body is happy.
438
00:16:32,166 --> 00:16:35,968
And I'm wrapped in a warm blanket of music.
439
00:16:35,993 --> 00:16:38,193
You're definitely rolling.
440
00:16:38,218 --> 00:16:39,739
Hey, you guys want some water?
441
00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:42,030
- Oh, my God, yes.
- Oh, God.
442
00:16:42,055 --> 00:16:42,985
Oh, God.
443
00:16:43,010 --> 00:16:43,995
Okay.
444
00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:45,697
[distorted] Thank you.
445
00:16:45,722 --> 00:16:46,960
You look like Wonder Woman.
446
00:16:46,985 --> 00:16:48,054
[laughs]
447
00:16:48,079 --> 00:16:50,683
I'm gonna start wearing,
like, big gold belts.
448
00:16:50,708 --> 00:16:53,591
That is, like,
the best idea you have ever had.
449
00:16:53,616 --> 00:16:55,282
I thought I could never be with you.
450
00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:57,866
We should just, like, talk all night.
451
00:16:57,891 --> 00:16:59,208
Yes.
452
00:17:05,573 --> 00:17:07,383
There. There. I did it.
453
00:17:07,408 --> 00:17:09,469
I finally got to kiss
the person I wanted to.
454
00:17:09,494 --> 00:17:11,957
[giggles] Okay.
455
00:17:12,437 --> 00:17:14,206
Uh, yeah.
456
00:17:14,958 --> 00:17:17,431
Uh, I-I-I'll talk to you.
457
00:17:17,456 --> 00:17:18,539
Definitely.
458
00:17:18,564 --> 00:17:21,349
Wow.
459
00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:26,934
(woman)
Oh, he's so enticed
by the way I'm moving
460
00:17:27,369 --> 00:17:28,618
I don't say this enough,
461
00:17:28,643 --> 00:17:30,482
but you're the best boyfriend.
462
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:32,090
You're the best girlfriend.
463
00:17:32,115 --> 00:17:33,365
- Really?
- Yeah.
464
00:17:33,390 --> 00:17:34,848
That's why I got you this.
465
00:17:35,295 --> 00:17:36,952
What?
466
00:17:37,108 --> 00:17:38,938
Yeah, I was gonna give it to you later,
467
00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:40,073
but I can't wait.
468
00:17:40,075 --> 00:17:41,524
Oh, my God.
469
00:17:41,526 --> 00:17:44,358
It's the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen.
470
00:17:44,383 --> 00:17:45,053
Yeah?
471
00:17:45,079 --> 00:17:46,162
[gasps]
472
00:17:46,187 --> 00:17:47,730
Yeah.
473
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,694
Wait a minute.
474
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,396
You're not giving me this for no reason.
475
00:17:54,789 --> 00:17:56,425
[sighs]
476
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:57,760
Babe...
477
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,529
You're, like... it's like...
478
00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:04,274
Um, I went to a strip club
with some of the guys from work.
479
00:18:04,299 --> 00:18:09,352
And I got a lap dance
and went a little too far.
480
00:18:09,937 --> 00:18:12,065
[laughs]
481
00:18:15,998 --> 00:18:17,561
You know what,
482
00:18:17,786 --> 00:18:20,031
I bought you a watch,
483
00:18:20,056 --> 00:18:22,889
a really expensive watch.
484
00:18:22,914 --> 00:18:24,562
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
485
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:29,073
I'm saying, I think it would
a lot cheaper for both of us
486
00:18:29,098 --> 00:18:31,523
if we were just monogamous.
487
00:18:31,548 --> 00:18:32,597
All right.
488
00:18:32,622 --> 00:18:33,905
We have a deal?
489
00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:34,904
Yes.
490
00:18:34,929 --> 00:18:36,214
- [laughs]
- We have a deal.
491
00:18:36,239 --> 00:18:39,240
[ Hava Nagila plays]
492
00:18:39,265 --> 00:18:46,935
493
00:18:54,859 --> 00:18:56,993
Oh, my God. I love you.
494
00:18:57,018 --> 00:18:59,888
I love you too.
495
00:18:59,913 --> 00:19:03,031
[people cheering]
496
00:19:06,619 --> 00:19:09,070
Hey, I mean it.
497
00:19:09,095 --> 00:19:10,310
You do?
498
00:19:10,657 --> 00:19:11,656
Yeah.
499
00:19:11,679 --> 00:19:13,912
I mean, you... you're smart,
500
00:19:13,937 --> 00:19:16,103
and you're beautiful,
501
00:19:16,128 --> 00:19:19,463
and I love how you're
just game for anything.
502
00:19:19,488 --> 00:19:22,872
I love how I feel when I'm around you.
503
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:24,911
I love you.
504
00:19:24,936 --> 00:19:27,415
I love you.
505
00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:31,051
I love you too, Josh.
506
00:19:36,063 --> 00:19:38,487
That's why I have to tell you this.
507
00:19:40,237 --> 00:19:43,855
I'm a 40-year-old mom from New Jersey.
508
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:46,616
[laughs] I totally know how you feel.
509
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:49,437
Sometimes I feel like I'm a
90-year-old fisherman in Japan.
510
00:19:49,462 --> 00:19:51,912
No, I mean it. I mean it.
511
00:19:52,235 --> 00:19:55,413
I'm not in my 20s. I really am 40.
512
00:19:56,169 --> 00:19:59,341
[people cheering]
513
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,548
(both) Liza, get in here!
514
00:20:01,573 --> 00:20:02,756
Oh!
515
00:20:02,781 --> 00:20:05,894
[laughter]
516
00:20:07,264 --> 00:20:10,445
[people cheering]
517
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:21,721
[people cheering]
518
00:20:23,688 --> 00:20:28,985
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
519
00:20:29,035 --> 00:20:33,585
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0